Putting It Together

I seriously doubt that more than a few family members, a few close friends, or a few pseudo-acquaintances internet stalking me (it's okay, I'm not judging you) will read this, but if you are among one of those fine people, hi. I really hate making a self-important introduction as if I'm some semi-successful YouTuber greeting his/her audience of awkward pre-teens, but since this is my first post, I guess it has to be done. I mean, to be fair, this is not my first ever blog post- from the time I was in fifth grade to sort of around ninth grade, I had a different blogger account which shall not be named. If anyone finds it, they'll have proof of my dark, Doctor Who obsessed past. As it happens, I'm about to graduate from high school- this time tomorrow, actually, assuming it doesn't get rained out and rescheduled. So, I figured that there would be no better time to undergo a very insignificant but satisfying internet blog metamorphosis.

It's really quite strange that everything in my life (not just my online presence-I do have a life) is about to change. For the past eighteen years, I've lived in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, and by the end of this coming August I'll be living in Los Angeles and attending the University of Southern California (mostly known as USC, but not to be confused with South Carolina.) Coast-jumping and school-switching and graduating and moving away from myhomeandfamilyandfriendsandboyfriendandgeneralsenseoffamiliarity will be pretty weird. Psh, I'm not scared or doubtful in the slightest........

Okay, I am, obviously, which is why I threw in that Toni Morrison-esque exclamation of fear. But I'm also extremely excited and eager to be embarking on new adventures, intellectual pursuits, and experiences. I've been feeling at war with myself every day thinking about it, really. I feel profound guilt thinking about the amazing schools I said no to, the waiting lists I took my name off of, and the different opportunities and, frankly, conveniences I might have had if I had chosen to attend a closer or cheaper school.

Don't get me wrong- USC was magical. When I visited, I didn't want to leave. I felt energetic. I could see myself going there, and it felt more like a preview than just a visit. The connection was so obvious, but I'm a neurotic person, so I was sensitive to the feelings I got at every school I toured. Even though I felt the most enthused and at home at USC, at schools like UVA, Boston College, Vassar College, and even UGA, I knew there were opportunities and feelings and atmospheres unique to each school- and I liked all of them in different ways. How can you really even compare things that are so different in location, student demographic, and educational structure?

To refer to Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" (which I have already done so many times before), "I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." 

I feel joy for having made my decision, but I also feel the most ominous, sickening sense of curiosity- what am I missing out on? Like Sylvia Plath, I always want to go everywhere and do everything conceivably possible. The fact is, I'm not going to enjoy life at the college I love if I keep thinking this way. I'm deciding that the first thing I'm going to do (other than start this trivial new blog) to become an adult and a new person is to let things go and calm down. I'm definitely not going to worry about how in the world I'm going to double major without spending an extra semester's worth of tuition....

So, yeah. I guess this is me putting my new life (and blog??) together.