Being Alive

In just a few days, I'll be on a plane to Los Angeles to begin my first year at USC, and I've never felt such a confounding rush of fear. Throughout high school, I always daydreamed of going somewhere adventurous and different, but now that the change I so fervently sought out is becoming a reality, I'm overwhelmed with uncertainty.

Taking an enormous leap into young-adulthood is invigorating, but this new freedom comes at the price of the familiarity and stability of home. Making a new set of friends, being away from loved ones, plunging into rigorous coursework, and managing change gracefully are all things that seem harder as they near the present. On top of that, everyone has rigid expectations of what the "quintessential college experience" should look like, and these high standards make the transition seem even more stressful. In any event, the pressure to make the next four years the "best ones" of our lives, along with our misguided tendency to replicate the experiences of others, will only hinder our ability to adjust with ease. That being said, it's perfectly okay to be candid about your fears before you make the leap.

At our last big sleepover of the summer, my friends and I talked about all of our expectations, fears, doubts, and hopes throughout the night. I suppose that's why we decided to take a step back and write letters to our future selves. At 2 a.m, this is what I could say: 

Dear future me,

I hope that your adjustment was not the catastrophe that I imagine it will be at this moment-exactly a week before leaving. 

I also sincerely hope that you know what you're doing with your life as best you can, and that whatever you're doing is something encouraging, something intellectually fulfilling, and something that makes you happy. I hope you've improved and that you're an all around more confident and calm person. You're capable of it. I hope you've disciplined yourself to become more healthy and skilled, but I don't expect you to have perfected yourself.

I hope you're the kind of person I would look up to at eighteen, clueless but eager to share whatever good I can muster from within.

Don't forget your family, don't forget where you came from, and don't forget that you are undoubtedly the most capable version of yourself to date. 

Don't dwell on glories that were too short-lived, missed opportunities, or past failures. They're all equally toxic, and your mind should be pruned of negativity like that. Instead, make room for more important affairs. Choose instead to be more productive, balanced, and content. Content is all you need to be for right now. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be as happy as others seem, and that in itself will invite genuine happiness. 

If what you think you want isn't going according to plan, persist. Don't surrender the fabrication of your goals to insecurity, but be equally weary of your tendency to over-idealize the future. 

This is all complicated and super disorganized, but I feel like you'll get the idea.

love,

present me (August 5th, 2017)

To quote Company, "Don't be afraid that it won't be perfect. Just be afraid that it won't be." Thus, this concludes a very imperfect but happily existent blog post. Good luck, my friends!